Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*