Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
next question.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
the icebreaker
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!