Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Webb. James Webb.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.