Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”