Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Strangers have the best candy.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one