Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Never forget.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*weighs self after shaving
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
my dog when i have a friend over
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.