Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha