@Whateverfitsme: Not sure if my cooking skills have improved or taste buds have adapted.
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@roostermustache: [in catholic church] Me: can i make a confession Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU
@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
@BoogTweets: Her: You're all sweaty. Where have you been? *Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts* Me: The gym.
@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.