Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
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[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
😆this is so true
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested