Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”