Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today