Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.