@Brianhopecomedy: Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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@NoTheOtherJohn: Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
@HandyJack420: My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that's 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
@NicCageMatch: My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
@AaronFullerton: Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?