@Brianhopecomedy: Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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@AGreaterMonster: Mmmh, the wetness...don't stop, harder, oh god yes, more fingers...I love the way you rub my head. --me, getting a shampoo at the salon
@RawspberryJamb: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it's yours" - Inventors of boomerangs
@markhoppus: I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your email..."
@IamEveryDayPpl: Me: "Jesus, please make me a better person..." Jesus: *deletes my account* Me: "NOT LIKE THAT!"