Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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Why are bridges so flammable.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.