I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
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my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My teenage children choosing violence
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
i dont have time for this
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.