Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
You Might Also Like
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!