Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
same bro
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND