Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
You Might Also Like
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Why is everyone getting married at me
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.