Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Who.
Did.
This?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.