The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
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*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this