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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy