Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
You Might Also Like
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Aight bet
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??