Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.