Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Who knew!
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
smh
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun