Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
You Might Also Like
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named