school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.