Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
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Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue