Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
road rage
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead