Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
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The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Finally!
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly