[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
You Might Also Like
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Why am I like this?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
me after eating Cheetos
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN