Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough