Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.