[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Did…did a minotaur write this
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
🤣😈🤣
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.