Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?