Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL