Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
i- i did not expect this
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Okay, I’m still confused…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Good point.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.