me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
happy valentine’s day to me
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.