Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]