Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron