Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.