Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
That’s a good costume, I hope.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack