Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
what the
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger