Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe