u guys got any snacks onboard here
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Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*