*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
dogs can find happiness so easily
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?