Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I only eat vegetarians.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
peak technology
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.