@undeadmolly: Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff ME: Okay [later] WIFE: What the hell? [dog walks by in a tuxedo] ME: He's getting married, Karen
@jordan_stratton: The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
@kay_bee28: Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply 'with a cutlass' but I want her to pay for masters...