@undeadmolly: Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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@EndhooS: [Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.
@funnybeachgirl: 2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says "YOU MAN THE GUNS, I'LL DRIVE!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (I'm not deleting this)
@Reverend_Scott: wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.