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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
But wait…
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*