“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
He’s dead
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*puts my mental health in rice
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.