Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.