Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.