Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
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[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.