Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem