Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
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I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise